Deep in my heart I always knew that life was about being happy.  And yet, it seemed like the most illusive thing to me for so many years of my life.  I may have appeared happy on the outside.  I became quite good at putting on a show by appearing happy.  But inside, I felt like I was always on an infinite search for peace and happiness within my heart.  At times I felt like I found it through certain things like creating artwork, dancing and other things I enjoyed.

However, it never lasted.  Life seemed like an endless mountain to be climbed.  I would finally reach one peak, find some joy within my heart, only to be crushed by another plummet into depression.

I talked about some of these ups and downs in this post, and now I am finally writing the follow up story of what happened postpartum.  You may also be interested in this post about all the changes that have occurred while on the GAPS diet.

I will share that the main reason why I am writing this is because I can’t help but share my experience, no matter how hard it is to share it.  It’s one of those things you don’t really want to do, but you feel like there is an invisible string, tugging at your heart, telling you to keep going or doing whatever you’re meant to do in this world.

And some of these things are hard to do.  But it’s for a reason.  I believe we are all meant to help each other in some way.  Even in just small ways.  It doesn’t have to be a huge and giant undertaking.

So, enough with the stalling.

The experiences that transpired in my life after I gave birth to my son are some of the hardest I have ever been through in my life.  What seemed hard before birth now seems like a walk in the park, not to say that all those years of feeling hopeless and depressed weren’t difficult.

Because it was so difficult, I didn’t share it with many people; not until I actually started finding answers (so typical of me, to be so self-reliant).  So many of my family members don’t know the extent to the difficulties we faced as a family the first year or so of Elijah’s life.  And the doctors who I visited never got the full run down because I felt so bad about the situation – namely, I blamed myself.

There is a quote that goes something like, “When things get difficult, keep going.  You are on the edge of breakthrough.”  I don’t know the source and I don’t even think the words are correct, but it was what kept me going on the days I felt like life was falling apart.  Turns out, it was true, for which I am very grateful.

To follow up on my last post just prior to pregnancy, this is where I will start.

The main thing I will focus on in this post will be concerned about the episodes that I began to have postpartum where I went completely crazy for a few minutes a time.  I had other difficulties postpartum, but they seem somewhat tame compared to the crazy episodes where I turned into a monster.

Within a week after giving birth, I had signs of postpartum depression; basically the “normal” feelings of being sad and not having a good reason for it.  I remember looking around our extremely messy house and starting to cry.  During the next several months the sadness came and went but I don’t ever remember feeling really happy during this time like I would have expected to feel with a new baby.

Within eight weeks, my depression and mood swings progressed into times when I felt out of control with frustration and anger.  The first few times were somewhat mild.  One time I got frustrated about something (probably breastfeeding) and kicked over the rocking stool in front of the rocking chair with my computer on it.  It kind of came out of the blue and I was confused why I did this.

Mostly I would just kick things uncontrollably, every once in a while when I was frustrated.  But it was quick and passing.  Brief enough that it just seemed strange.  I wrote an email to my midwife and told her I was kicking things, was unhappy and didn’t know what to do.  But when she came and visited me, the “happy and bright me” was out and everything seemed fine so she never really got the full story.  She thought I was “fine” because that is what I led her to believe.

When I started back to work cooking as a personal chef, this added to my stress.  I was still waking several times a night to breastfeed.  I was also not getting enough to eat because of my limited diet.  (At about 9 or 10 weeks, I cut out dairy, eggs, soy, spicy foods, gassy veggies and other foods out of my diet because Elijah was colicky.  This helped with the colic but I wasn’t getting enough to eat because I didn’t know what to eat.)

I don’t remember exactly when the first major “rage spell” happened but it was sometime within the first three months of Elijah’s life.  I don’t remember why but I started to get completely frustrated and felt very uncoordinated when I was trying to get some food out of the fridge.  I had Elijah in my arms but part of me wasn’t even aware he was there.

I started to “lose it” and for what ever reason, I took my frustration out on the vegetable crisper drawer.  I basically started kicking it and didn’t stop until it was in pieces.  (Now, if you know me personally, this may completely shocking to you.  I seem rather even-tempered, don’t you think?)

Then I ran up stairs (I think I handed Elijah off to my husband) and threw myself in the bedroom in tears.

Part of me was in shock that I could do something like that; another part of me was still steaming with rage and another part of me wanted to ball.  I usually ended up in tears after one of my “freak out” episodes, from the sheer frustration of not knowing why this was happening and feeling so out of control in my life.  I would also go back to being very depressed after one of these “manic” episodes.

These episodes would usually just come out of the blue or sometimes in the middle of the night when Elijah kept waking me up.  I would be feeling pretty okay, and then something would set me off and I suddenly found myself punching the daylights out of something close at hand.  Luckily they were all inanimate objects like the microwave, a wicker bathroom basket, a wooden dish drainer, tea boxes, and other odd items.

These fits didn’t happen every day, and although I didn’t count them, it seemed as though they happened a few times a month for most of the first year of Elijah’s life.  They got worse when Elijah was teething and waking more frequently or if I was working more than I could really handle.

I always had the feeling during these “freak outs” that I was completely out of control.  I also felt completely uncoordinated.  It was like having a new pair of hands that really didn’t belong to me that were doing all sorts of things that I really didn’t want to do but couldn’t help myself.  And I was extremely angry for no reason.  The episodes would usually end by me screaming at my husband to help me, to do something, anything.  He would be holding Elijah to keep him safe from the things I was throwing around the house.

I felt like another person watching a complete lunatic.  Yet it was me, yelling, screaming and throwing stuff, and I was at a great loss as to what to do because I felt such shame about the whole thing.

The worst part of it was how I felt I was harming Elijah by him seeing me in such distress.  I never physically took my anger and frustration out on him or my husband but I felt like I was hurting him by acting this way.

When Elijah was about 6 months, I started doing research about depression and food allergies.  I was still eating wheat (even though I knew I was allergic to it) and one day when I went over- board on eating some home made bread, I felt utterly hopeless and depressed the next day.  I finally (after years of feeling this way) made the connection and felt I had found a big piece to the puzzle.  I stopped eating wheat and also started testing other grains like oatmeal and rye.  I seemed to also react to those as well so I went gluten free.

I thought that going gluten free was the answer.  But I think I was just trying to convince myself that I was doing better.  Sleep deprivation continued and during the fall of 2008 when Elijah was almost a year old, I thought I was going to completely lose it if I didn’t get a good night’s sleep.

The problem was I couldn’t go back to sleep after Elijah woke me in the middle of the night anymore.  It seemed as though the chemicals in my brain that helped with this had been shorted out and I just couldn’t sleep normally any longer.  My chiropractor gave me some “neural transmitter support” supplements, which actually worked like a charm. I could actually sleep again. This helped me to get back on track and eventually I went off of the supplements.

Also, the freak-outs didn’t go away.  During the Christmas of 2008, I experienced more episodes where I ended up either very depressed or freaking out like a crazy monster.

We moved to a larger city the spring of 2009.  We had been living in a very small town which had made life even more difficult in terms of getting the kinds of foods I needed, etc.  Moving ended up being one of the best decisions we made during Elijah’s first couple of years.  Life became easier just because of this one change in our lives.

However, I was still looking for answers.  After we moved I had another freak episode within a month or so of moving (this time it was the microwave that took the brunt of it – luckily my husband was able to fix it).  At this point, it had been happening long enough that I finally asked for some help from a teacher/friend.  She suggested B-vitamins and eating as regularly as possible.  She also pointed out that I needed more “me time.”  All of these things, along with living in a larger city, seemed to help a lot.

Summer of 2009 was a lot better, though not perfect.  Elijah still wasn’t sleeping though the night at 18 months and I do remember having some crazy nights with him.  In general, I think I was still quick to frustrate which I would often direct towards my husband, showing up mostly as nagging and blaming.  Another thing is I had a rash on my hand which I assumed was from Candida overgrowth.

During September of 2009, I was contacted by someone who asked me if I could do menu planning for a specific diet called GAPS, which stands for Gut and Psychology Syndrome.  I checked out the diet and told her it was similar to the limited diet menu planner I had been planning on creating.

I went on vacation to the beach.  At the time I was eating gluten free, but starting to steer more towards whole grains and grain-free instead of a lot of refined gluten free starches.  But I was also still eating some sugar and plenty of starchy veggies like potatoes and sweet potatoes.

I returned from vacation and was contacted by the GAPS lady once again.  She told me that the diet was starting to help her.  She had previously not been able to eat chicken and could now eat it.  Symptoms started clearing up and she said she could actually think straight. Before, she had difficulty even carrying on a conversation with people and now she could actually focus on the conversation.  All of this intrigued me and I looked at the GAPS site again more closely.

I realized that this diet was also largely based on traditional foods like nourishing meat stocks, fermented vegetables and dairy, and whole, unadulterated real foods.  These are all things I loved so I became more and more interested in the diet.  What intrigued me the most was that the diet aims to heal the gut lining, which in turn helps to heal the mind.  (The science behind this diet is really too in-depth for me to write about here – if you’re interested in learning more about it, please read this book:   Gut and Psychology Syndrome by Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride.)

I read the testimonials and was astounded at the changes that people have experienced through implementing this diet.  I was basically sold.  I am a very believing person by nature, and since many of the symptoms my son and I had been having were described as possible symptoms on the GAPS site, I decided to give it a go.

I ordered the books and didn’t jump in right away, but within a few weeks, I was grain, sugar and starch free.  Because my son had colic, food allergies, slow weight gain, prolonged night-wakings, and at times aggressive behavior, I decided to put him on the diet at well.  I thought it would be easier if we were eating the same things anyway.  As for my husband, he slowly adjusted to eating GAPS dinners but still eats non-GAPS foods at work.  It took a while to find replacements for the things that Elijah and I love to eat but we eventually adapted.

It wasn’t overnight that I started feeling better.  I started having “die-off” reactions after eliminating starches and grains from my diet.  I was also taking coconut oil, which can also create die-off.  There were days I felt awful, like I had been hit by a truck or like I was getting the flu.  Then it would clear up in a day or so and I would feel better.  One time it lasted 3-4 days where I felt like I had every possible symptom I’ve ever had.  After it cleared, I remember feeling like an onion whose skins had been pulled away.

I slowly started feeling better more often and eating the GAPS way got easier.  I started having more energy; I started feeling happy for no reason.  I was even-tempered and was able to focus on my work in a way that had previously been impossible.  I was excited about life again.  I was inspired!  I was no longer anxious for no reason.  My digestion was slower to respond but is now better than it’s been for a long time.

My life with Elijah became much easier.  Keep in mind we started the diet a few months before his 2 year old birthday.  When I told my doctor that things were easier now that he was two, this spoke volumes to both her and to me about how the diet had started to help us.  Oh, and he started sleeping through the night consistently which was a god-send.

I simply felt a lot more patient and Elijah was more relaxed too. Instead of having struggles on a day to day basis, we started actually having peaceful days without any major events.

Even now that Elijah is 2 ½ and he has a temper tantrum about something he wants but can’t have, it is much easier for me to handle this than a year ago.  Because I am even-minded most of the time, I feel much stronger and able to deal with his tantrums.

I also notice that my emotions are much more appropriate.  Before I would fly off the handle because of something very small and my frustrations wouldn’t be very appropriate.  Now, instead of just feeling sad or frustrated for no good reason, I feel these things when it’s actually appropriate to feel them.  I also don’t get lost in the emotion like I used to and it doesn’t stick around as long.

Oh, and yes, no more crazy rageful manic episodes where I feel out of control.  The last one I had was actually after I started GAPS, but I accidentally tasted some goat’s milk.  I was going to make yogurt, and didn’t think a little bit of milk would affect me.

Within a couple hours I started feeling like my head wasn’t on straight and I started getting anal about everything.  I also felt wired like I had drank coffee and couldn’t calm myself down.  At the end of the day, Elijah dumped a dozen eggs I had cracked into a bowl onto the floor.  I looked at it and my eyes just bugged out and I thought I was going to lose it.  At least I had the ability to call my husband inside to help clean it up.  I tried to help but those crazy, uncoordinated hands returned.  I couldn’t do anything without making a mess or throwing stuff around the house so I stormed upstairs.  Lesson learned:  lactose makes Sarah nuts.  (The yogurt I make on the GAPS diet is fermented 24 hours so that the lactose is eaten up by the good bacteria.)

In general I am just happy.  I realize now this is how we are meant to feel, and it isn’t about having lots of money, having the right job, or anything else.  It’s just about being happy in this life, and then from that happiness, creating a life that reflects your heart’s desires.

I tried getting happy in so many ways throughout my teenage years and my twenties.  There is a part of me that wonders what life would have been like for me if I had gone on this diet a long time ago.  Of course I can’t dwell on the past.  But it does motivate me to share and help people who may be going through similar situations that I have been in.  In short, I can’t keep my mouth shut any longer.

If there is one thing I believe, I believe that food affects us on more levels than just physical.  It reaches into the confines of the emotional, mental as well as spiritual realms.  I am and many other people are living proof of this.  I feel as though this is now a gift that God has given me, even though for so long, I felt like it was a curse I was living.

Since I posted my last blog post, I received some feedback from a family member that I may be Bipolar or manic depressive.  I have to confess I don’t go to regular doctors very often and I’ve never been diagnosed with these disorders.  However, after doing some reading and reflecting, I do believe it’s possible I’ve been Bipolar for quite some time and didn’t know it.

To me, while diagnoses may be nice to have, it’s not vital to my recovery at this point because I found the GAPS diet.  I am very grateful for it, I can’t even begin to really express it.  It’s not easy for me to put this blog post up on my website – I stalled doing it for many months.  But like I said, I just can’t stay silent about this.  Up until less than a year ago, my symptoms affected me on so many levels of my life from the physical to the spiritual to the financial.  Now that my life has completely changed, simply from following the GAPS diet , I cannot help but share.

I know – this diet is hard to be on.  Many people can’t imagine eliminating all grains, sugars, starchy vegetables, hydrogenated oils and all canned and processed foods from their diet.

But if you can’t imagine not eating these foods, maybe for a moment you can imagine what life would be like if you were even-minded, happy, energetic, and healthy every day?

Believe me.  It’s worth it.  Life is worth it.  And above all, our children are worth it.

I’ve been working on the post for six months now.  I have to admit it’s been difficult for me to get it written so that I can actually share it.

Part of it is that these experiences still feel very close at hand and they’re not easy to talk about.  Most people who know me don’t know I’ve had these experiences over the past couple of years.  Even now, when I am out of the woods and no longer experiencing these crazy episodes where I thought I was going to lose my mind – even now, it is still hard to get it all written down.

Another part is that there is so much to it.  My life has completely changed from being on GAPS.  Not only am not having anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns, I am just a completely happier and at peace person now.  I really can’t believe how much has changed, really.

So I thought I would start with the basics and just write down all the points in my life that have changed after going on the GAPS diet.  Then I can talk more about the more juicier aspects of visiting the crazy side of life in a future post.

If you don’t know about GAPS, it is a grain, starch and sugar free diet that can help people with all sorts of mental problems such as depression, which I experienced for years since being a teen.

You can read more about the diet here.

As far as the chart below goes, many of the symptoms listed are things I have dealt with my entire life.  The only thing that only happened postpartum were the mental breakdowns, etc.  However, now that I say that, I did have some mental breakdowns during pregnancy and even before that.  But they weren’t as pronounced and I didn’t find myself beating the daylights out of inanimate objects.  They were more like crying fits and feeling utterly depressed.

And everything on the list became more pronounced after giving birth.  The whole experience of pregnancy, birth, exclusive breastfeeding and motherhood basically shined the light on a part of myself that was already in need of healing and made it imperative that something had to change in order for me to live as a normal person.

And when I say “gone”, I would say it took at least 2-3 months of being on GAPS, taking the supplements and coconut oil to feel like the symptom was no longer present.  And some symptoms took longer to go away.

During the first few months of being on GAPS, I would have symptoms reoccur around my period.  I have read that candida overgrowth can get more pronounced around the time of ones’ cycle so I believe this was a contributing factor.  Now, nine months being on the diet, I no longer have these symptoms around my cycle.

All I am saying is – it didn’t happen over night.  This diet is not a quick fix.  People are recommended to stay on it for two years or more.  For me, I believe it will be longer than two years.

Mental/Emotional problems:

• Anxiety attacks, Mental breakdowns, Rageful episodes, Lack of control over my body
  • Gone, except for when I accidentally ate a spoonful of goat milk after being on GAPS for a month or so.
  • This is the main thing I am going to talk about when I go more into detail about my postpartum experiences. It is the hardest thing to talk about because I felt so crazy at the time but am grateful beyond words that my diet change has cured me of these episodes that I used to have postpartum.

• Inappropriate anger and frustration
  • Pretty much gone.  This comes up if I am detoxing or reacting to something I ate.  We have been testing some GAPS cheeses and they haven’t all worked for us so I know I am reacting when I start to get edgy.
  • I DO still get frustrated and angry but it is within normal range and for a reason, like when Elijah breaks something.  But it doesn’t’ last and doesn’t push me into a mental roller coaster.
• Emotional ups and downs
  • I am happily “driving a car” instead of being “on a roller coaster ride.”  Before, life was full of ups and downs.  I can’t believe how even-minded I am most of the time now.
• Inability to focus and concentrate
  • Things are awesome in this department unless I have been sick or detoxing.

• Lack of self-confidence/doubting myself and life
  • Again, this has changed so much.  I didn’t realize how much I struggled with this until it went away.  I had no idea how I felt about myself was related to my gut.
• Depression
  • Gone.  The only times I have been depressed are when I have eaten something I shouldn’t have or when I am actually sad about something for a real reason (but it doesn’t last like depression.)
  • I have actually come to realize that the sinking feeling in my chest is a sign that I ate something that didn’t agree with me.  I lived my whole life trying to get happy. Now I just am happy.  Yay!

• Blaming and nagging my husband
  • Gone – a byproduct of being happy and content and no longer obsessive about messes around the house.  This has obviously helped our relationship and we are closer than we ever have been.
• General unhappiness
  • Instead, general happiness, contentment, hope, joy and feeling of peace on a daily basis.  I used to think I had to work for this.
• “Life sucks” and “I hate my life”
  • Definitely don’t feel this anymore.  Quite the opposite – I am so grateful for everything, even the hard stuff.
• Memory problems
  • My memory is so much better.  I still sometimes can’t remember the word I am trying to say or I forget the shopping list.  But overall it feels more normal now.

• Unproductive
  • Quite the opposite now.  I feel more productive than ever, while I also give myself time to rest too.
• Unexplained nervousness and anxiety
  • Gone.  I had no idea why I felt this at times when there was nothing to be nervous about.
• Lack of inspiration
  • Inspired!
• Obsessive compulsive
  • Never got “diagnosed” for this but when I am in a full-on reaction, my brain starts going crazy if there is stuff all over the house or there are a lot of dishes.  I start cleaning obsessively and can’t stop.  This is gone too now that I’ve been on GAPS for a while.

• Sensitive to sounds, sights and too much commotion.  I have always been a sensitive person – so much so that going to the mall was usually an exhausting experience for me.
  • I now find that things are getting better in this department. I don’t get so overwhelmed but still do sometimes, especially when Elijah is going a mile a minute.

Physical issues:

Digestive issues:

• General digestive problems throughout my life
  • Overall, much better but I feel I still have healing to do.
• Constipation
  • This has improved a lot but do find I am still prone to constipation when I am under a lot of stress – like the week we moved, etc.  I also find that eating plenty of veggies keeps things regular.
• Stomach aches
  • These are very infrequent but still do have some stomach aches now and then.  Not like when I was a teen though, when I had stomach aches that lasted a long time.
• heartburn during pregnancy
  • This went away after the birth

Skin issues:

• eczema  and mystery rashes on several different places on my body during different times in my life
  • I had a rash on my hand last summer and it eventually went away after being on GAPS a few months and taking coconut oil.  See this post.
• pimples
  • My skin is very clear now but do have a pimple every now and then.
• Sick with colds and flu very often
  • Elijah and I were hardly sick over the winter since being on GAPS.  We were constantly sick last year when he was a year old.  Since we moved, I’ve had a sinus infection and Elijah has been sick twice.  My feeling is this is due to the stress of the move and the extra toxins floating around with new paint, carpeting, concrete dust from remodeling, and mold in the air conditioning (have since had our ducts cleaned).  Needles to say we’re still sensitive.
• Lack of breast milk production
  • I am not sure if this has improved since being on GAPS because Elijah is pretty much weaned except for a quick nurse in the morning.
• Weight fluctuations throughout my life – 30 lbs over weight at some points and at least 5 lbs underweight while nursing my son
  • I have gained 5 pounds since being on GAPS and feel I am actually at a good weight now.  I felt like I was super skinny when Elijah was about 10 months old and had a hard time gaining any weight until we went on GAPS.
• Sleep issues and night-wakings – both Elijah and I had sleep problems before we went on GAPS
  • Once we went on GAPS, Elijah started sleeping through the night consistently for the first time since he was born.  For me my sleep had already improved before I went on GAPS.
• Tiredness and general low energy
  • I have so much more energy now.  I think part of this is mental because my mood would slow me down and make me feel tired, or like I wanted to go to bed when it was the middle of the day because I felt so lousy.

Elijah:

• Slow weight-gain for Elijah on breastmilk
  • He started gaining weight normally once I started feeding him solids when he was 5 ½ months old.
• Colic as an infant
  • This went away after I eliminated dairy, eggs, soy and other foods from my diet when I was nursing.  He is still allergic to most dairy and other foods except homemade yogurt and butter.
• Wound up like a rubber band, hitting, biting, yelling, crying spells, etc.
  • I think part of this is being two years.  The other part is definitely influenced by what he eats.  I have noticed these kinds of issues get more pronounced when he eats something he is reacting to like GAPS approved cheeses.  For the most part, these issues have improved dramatically since being on GAPS than before.
• Occasional constipation
  • For the most part he is very regular.  I have recently found that eggs constipate him.

So, that is  a pretty good run down I think.  The next post I write about my healing journey will definitely be about what happened during my mental breakdowns.

If you have questions about the diet, feel free to give me a shout.

Or, if you are still looking for a GAPS menu planner or an Egg-free GAPS menu planner, I now have both of them complete.  You can read about them here:

GAPS, Paleo and Elimination diet menu planner (dairy free too)

Egg-free GAPS, Paleo, and Elimination diet menu planner (dairy free too)

Have  a blessed day!

At the time of receiving the oil and the book, I knew of coconut oil’s nourishing and healing qualities.  I wrote a post about it in the fall of 2008 talking about the different qualities of coconut oil.  I even wrote:

“The principle fatty acid in coconut milk, lauric acid, is a medium-chain 12-carbon saturated fatty acid that has potent antiviral, antifungal, and antimicrobial properties.”  Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon

However, I was also not eating coconut oil regularly enough to really benefit from its highly nourishing and healing properties.  But when I received the Tropical Traditions oil and read most of the book about its qualities, I decided to start eating it regularly.

The book warned to take things slow.  Because of its healing properties, the coconut oil can help to release toxins from the body.  However, if this happens to quickly, one can be subject to a “die off” effect or a “healing crisis,” also known as a Herxheimer reaction.  This is when too many toxins are trying to leave the body but the body isn’t able to do it quickly enough.  The result of this is people can often feel sick and achy, like they are getting a cold or a flu bug.  Or they can have old symptoms return for a day up to several months, depending on how much toxic build up there is in the system.

So I started taking a tsp or so of oil, but still ended up overdoing it somehow.  I woke up in a couple of days with what felt like an ear infection and my energy was very low.  I felt like I was getting sick, but it turns out I never really did get sick.  The feeling cleared within a day and I felt fine again.  I realized that it was my body’s way of telling me to take things even slower so I did.  I am now up to eating a couple tablespoons a day with no problem but it took me some time to get there.

The other thing that started happening when I ate the oil on a daily basis is a tiny rash on my hand started to grow.  This rash had come and gone the past year or so, maybe longer, but had never really bothered me.  But when I ate the coconut oil, it grew and eventually spanned my entire palm on my left hand.  It eventually crept onto my fingers and at its worst, it was very itchy, dry and cracked.

A few months after starting the coconut oil, I eased myself into the full GAPS diet, eliminating grains, starches and refined sugars from my diet.  This too created some die-off in my body and the rash continued to persist.  I treated it with calendula ointment because although I had a history of eczema, I came to the conclusion that it was a way that the toxins were leaving my body due to eating the coconut oil and changing my diet.

Sometime in December, the rash started to improve dramatically where it was no longer itchy and cracked and new and healthy skin was beginning to grow.  It is still not 100% but at this point, it is only a tiny bit dry and red in one place. So it took about six months of eating the coconut regularly and changing my diet for it to finally clear!

There have been other amazing changes in my life due to eating coconut oil – you can read about them in My Healing Journey section.

I find this truly amazing and I am sure that it is due to Tropical Traditions traditional methods of harvesting and processing the coconuts to make cold-pressed virgin coconut oil.  You can read about the process that they use on their website, which is based on the traditional ways of harvesting coconuts that has been used for centuries.

I highly recommend their products!  If you haven’t tried eating coconut oil regularly, I would recommend using their coconut oil because of its high levels of antioxidants found in lab analysis.

I personally use it for almost everything – I use it to saute food in my cast iron skillets.  I use it in place of butter in baking.  I make coconut candy out of it by freezing it with other ingredients like honey, peppermint extract and shredded coconut.  And I often eat it by the spoonful at the end of the day.  It becomes solid when it is cool enough and therefore kind of like eating almond butter by the spoonful, which I also enjoy.  I used to put it in oatmeal or hot cereal but no longer eat grains.  I know some people put it in smoothies or hot cocoa or other hot drinks.

I hope you have found this post inspiring you to eat coconut oil more regularly!

How do you use coconut oil?  I’d love to hear more ways to use it!

I have thought a lot about how to write about my life and how I have come to the place I am right now.  I feel as though I have walked over a landscape of mountains in my life and have arrived at a cozy meadow in a beautiful wood.  Things are pleasant and beautiful right now.  And while I believe that life is about growth and continually walking towards deeper healing and love in our hearts, there is something different about the meadow I am finding myself in right now.

While I know I will continue growing, something really profound has opened up in my life the past few months.  In short, I believe this beautiful meadow is here to stay as a presence of happiness in my heart and in my life, despite any changes life may bring on the outside.  A couple months ago, I wrote this in my journal:

“This is how we were made – all of us – full of joy, happiness, beauty and creativity.  But what happens to us during our life can take this away, and it is our journey to find it again, and to know it is the truth and realness of who we each are.

“Although there is suffering in life, life is not about suffering.  It is about finding a way through our suffering to find the joy again.  To discover that it was there all along, but we simply didn’t see it.”  I would add now, “couldn’t feel it” as well.

And while I have touched this experience and knowing before in my life, it had been quite some time since I had felt it when I wrote this in my journal.  I remember running an errand that evening and on the way back, I felt myself start dancing (in my car seat) to the music on the radio.  I was happy again.  I wanted to dance again.  And it was coming from a deep place of joy in my heart.

Now that more than three months have passed since starting the full GAPS diet, I can whole-heartedly say that my change in mood and ability to cope with life without freaking out with inappropriate frustration is greatly due to eliminating grains, sugars and starches from my diet as well as taking coconut oil, cod liver oil, and probiotics daily.

I will add something here; things are not perfect.  I am still very much healing in the inside (namely my guts) and I have yet to do the Intro diet for GAPS yet because I am still nursing my son.  And it is suggested that people adhere strictly to the GAPS diet for at least two years, so I have a ways to go.  But with the results I am already getting, I am so grateful and I wouldn’t give it up.

So, let’s rewind a little bit.  I’ve told you about where I am now, but little about my symptoms or where I’ve been previously.

I pretty much consider my life in two parts as of now – before pregnancy and postpartum.  Everything that happened before pregnancy was important but everything that happened after the birth of my son was life changing.

I’ll start with my life before pregnancy.  In my next post in the series of my healing journey, I’ll  focus on what happened postpartum.  This is where things get really interesting, so make sure to read the next post about my postpartum adventures.

I’ve had signs of digestive distress ever since I was a baby.  I was a shy and introverted child but I loved art and was very creative.  I had several different skin rashes as a child and was sick very often with strep.  I took antibiotics very frequently for these infections and later for urinary tract infections.  I also had hay fever.

As a teenager, my digestive problems worsened into terrible stomach aches.  I also remember being fairly depressed in high school and was extremely anti-social at school, having only a few close friends.  The only thing I was really interested in was art and looking forward to college and traveling.

After high school I discovered by doing an elimination diet that I was sensitive/allergic to wheat, dairy and sugar.  I later was tested and rye also came up as a problem food.

Despite this knowledge, I wasn’t able to  stick to my diet free of these allergens.  I was essentially addicted to them and I couldn’t break free of them.  Gluten free products and cook books simply didn’t exist or I didn’t know about them.  So, I continued to go back and forth with my diet.  I gained and lost weight several times, and a few times I was at least thirty pounds over weight.  Then there were times I was too thin and malnourished.  I also continued to have skin rashes and digestive problems for years.

Much of this time, I felt like I never really fit into life and I was often depressed without realizing it.  It was almost like I had been dropped on this planet but it really wasn’t my home and I didn’t know how to cope here.  In essence, I was extremely unhappy on the inside and looking for all kinds of “things” on the outside to make me happy.

I was mostly interested in spirituality, art, creativity, and children but had a hard time finding work to support these interests.  I was also very much interested in alternative healing modalities, mostly because I was seeking help for myself.  I studied/tried out acupuncture, acupressure, essential oils, chiropractic, breath work, art therapy, meditation, and others.  Everything helped a little bit.  But I continued to have emotional highs and lows, never feeling stable or very grounded in life.

Another key factor during my early twenties was my inability to stick with anything.  I never finished college, became a nun at an ashram for a year, then studied massage, then acupuncture and then art, each for a year’s time.  Every time I tried to commit to something, I couldn’t finish it.

During this time, I met my first husband and married, but this ended in a separation after only six months.  My heart was broken, but when it broke, it showed me all the places I already felt so lost in myself.  I really didn’t feel like life was worth living.  I had several thoughts during this time that I just wanted to die.  I was also very depressed even before my husband asked for a separation, so it wasn’t necessarily the separation I was depressed about.  But everything that I thought was stable in my life was being taken away which deepened my despair in life.

The only thing that pulled me through this time was my experience with healing in the Sufi tradition through a healing school I had recently started attending.  The people I met at the school supported me and helped me to find a new life for myself, even if I wasn’t sure I wanted one.

The Sufi healing school changed my life and I wouldn’t be where I am today without it.  Mostly, it reconnected me to God and helped me feel the love in my heart amidst all of my feelings of despair and hopelessness.

From there, life really started improving.  I started to sell my paintings after years of dreaming of doing this and moved across the country to start a new life on the east coast.  I ended up taking a job as the head cook at a spiritual retreat center and ended up finding my passion in cooking for people on limited diets.  Within a year or so, I decided to start my own business as a personal chef.  It took a commitment on my part that I had never had before, and business shortly took off.

During this time, I focused on personal healing with close relationships.  Eventually I met and married my second husband who I am still married to and enjoying a beautiful relationship with.  We quickly became pregnant after we married and here is where the second part of the story begins.

Despite all the great changes that happened during this period, I still went through periods of depression.  At this point I was still eating some wheat while trying to use spelt most of the time as an alternative.  I didn’t eat much refined sugar but plenty of agave and maple syrup.  And if bread was put in front of me I still couldn’t keep myself from eating it. And, even though my diet was causing a skin rash on my legs, I didn’t really want to change it.

I hope I am not boring you with all these details, but I felt that I needed to preface my life a little bit before I go onto writing about my postpartum experience.  It will just make more sense that way because my experiences postpartum were quite intense.  And while I don’t normally share the details of my life so in depth  for public view, my heart is telling me to share my experience with others because I feel there are some who may read this and see the potential benefits of the GAPS diet in the context of their own lives.

Again, if you didn’t read my previous post about my healing journey and what has changed for me the past few months, you may want to take a peak at it.

Have a happy day!

painting by Sarah Schatz

This is the first year I can remember in  a long time where I am not being affected adversely by the cold weather and lack of sunlight.  December and January are usually my least favorite months and I often feel like I am hanging on by my finger nails until spring time when I can again feel the warmth of the sun spreading its light upon the earth and my body.  Strangely, I even felt this way when I lived in southern California where it is sunny and temperate all year round.

A lot of things have changed for me.  And I don’t think it is a far cry to say my life has completely changed in the past six months or so.  This is all due to embracing a diet that is really working for my body and is helping me heal from the inside out.

I am going to write more in depth about these changes in my next blog post. For now, I want to write a Happy New Years post about all the things I am grateful for and hopeful about in my life.  While there is so much uncertainty in the world we are living in, I feel in my heart that life has never been better.

During the holidays, I found a blog that I really enjoy named Aprovechar by Sally Parrott Ashbrook.  The name intrigued me so I read her first blog post about the name of her blog.

She gave me permission to quote this post.  Here are a few lines which I love:

“‘‘Aprovechar’ is to get the most of out life, whether it’s a piece of clothing, a symphony performance, or a job. It’s ‘to take advantage’ in the most positive sense of that phrase…It’s to live a fulfilling life in this time on Earth.”

I love this because it is also what I strive for in my life and she writes about it so beautifully.  Please check out the entire blog post to read her thoughts about how this affects her life.

For me, the writing is very fitting for me right now in my life because of all of the changes I have been experiencing since starting the GAPS diet in September.

In a general sense, I am happier and more content than I ever remember being for such a length of time.

I have more energy to do the things I love and am interested in than I remember having in a  long time.

I am getting more things done instead of just thinking about them.

I have more self-confidence to work on new projects and take actions steps towards completing them.

I have more patience with my son Elijah who just turned two years old.  I don’t get as stressed out and frazzled from his whining and temper tantrums like I used to.  And I also think he is whining and throwing temper tantrums less often.

I have been very healthy this winter.  Last winter I was sick most of the winter and then again in the spring with a sinus infection.

I spend most my days feeling very good, upbeat, even-minded, emotionally stable instead of stressed out, anxious or on-edge.

I feel very hopeful about the future for my family.

My husband and I are communicating better and our bond is getting much stronger.

I love my work even more and it is much easier to get the menial tasks completed.

I feel healthier overall – in my body, heart, and mind.

We’re sleeping better and I feel more rested in general.

Because of all of this, I feel I am able to embrace life in a way that I was never quite able to.  I feel the essence of “aprovechar” in my life at work and yet for so long it seemed so out of reach.

I’m also painting again!  I did the painting above on New Year’s Day.  I have more energy so I am getting so much more done that I enjoy doing, like painting and making things for the house.  I really haven’t painted since before Elijah was born.  Here is my art website.

To bring to light how simply amazing all of this is for me, I will say here that there were many days in my life that I didn’t see the point of living because I felt so awful all the time.  This story really requires another blog post to explain where I am coming from so I plan to write about it in my next blog post.

I am oh so very grateful for everything – even the hard stuff – that has brought me to this point in my life.  Without the struggles, I wouldn’t be so extremely grateful for the happiness in my life right now.  I also wouldn’t have the passion to do the work I am doing.

It still seems a bit crazy to me that a simple diet change could do so much to help me feel like a normal and functional person.  If you’d like to read more about the GAPS diet, here are some links:

Is Leaky Gut one of the causes of autism and depression?

The GAPS guide book blog

The GAPS diet

I hope you have a blessed and very happy New Year!