Manic depression (Bipolar) and the GAPS diet

This is a continuation of my posts about my healing journey.  If you haven’t read my previous posts, it may be helpful to read them before you read this one, but it’s not completely necessary.

Deep in my heart I always knew that life was about being happy.  And yet, it seemed like the most illusive thing to me for so many years of my life.  I may have appeared happy on the outside.  I became quite good at putting on a show by appearing happy.  But inside, I felt like I was always on an infinite search for peace and happiness within my heart.  At times I felt like I found it through certain things like creating artwork, dancing and other things I enjoyed.

However, it never lasted.  Life seemed like an endless mountain to be climbed.  I would finally reach one peak, find some joy within my heart, only to be crushed by another plummet into depression.

I talked about some of these ups and downs in this post, and now I am finally writing the follow up story of what happened postpartum.  You may also be interested in this post about all the changes that have occurred while on the GAPS diet.

I will share that the main reason why I am writing this is because I can’t help but share my experience, no matter how hard it is to share it.  It’s one of those things you don’t really want to do, but you feel like there is an invisible string, tugging at your heart, telling you to keep going or doing whatever you’re meant to do in this world.

And some of these things are hard to do.  But it’s for a reason.  I believe we are all meant to help each other in some way.  Even in just small ways.  It doesn’t have to be a huge and giant undertaking.

So, enough with the stalling.

The experiences that transpired in my life after I gave birth to my son are some of the hardest I have ever been through in my life.  What seemed hard before birth now seems like a walk in the park, not to say that all those years of feeling hopeless and depressed weren’t difficult.

Because it was so difficult, I didn’t share it with many people; not until I actually started finding answers (so typical of me, to be so self-reliant).  So many of my family members don’t know the extent to the difficulties we faced as a family the first year or so of Elijah’s life.  And the doctors who I visited never got the full run down because I felt so bad about the situation – namely, I blamed myself.

There is a quote that goes something like, “When things get difficult, keep going.  You are on the edge of breakthrough.”  I don’t know the source and I don’t even think the words are correct, but it was what kept me going on the days I felt like life was falling apart.  Turns out, it was true, for which I am very grateful.

To follow up on my last post just prior to pregnancy, this is where I will start.

The main thing I will focus on in this post will be concerned about the episodes that I began to have postpartum where I went completely crazy for a few minutes a time.  I had other difficulties postpartum, but they seem somewhat tame compared to the crazy episodes where I turned into a monster.

Within a week after giving birth, I had signs of postpartum depression; basically the “normal” feelings of being sad and not having a good reason for it.  I remember looking around our extremely messy house and starting to cry.  During the next several months the sadness came and went but I don’t ever remember feeling really happy during this time like I would have expected to feel with a new baby.

Within eight weeks, my depression and mood swings progressed into times when I felt out of control with frustration and anger.  The first few times were somewhat mild.  One time I got frustrated about something (probably breastfeeding) and kicked over the rocking stool in front of the rocking chair with my computer on it.  It kind of came out of the blue and I was confused why I did this.

Mostly I would just kick things uncontrollably, every once in a while when I was frustrated.  But it was quick and passing.  Brief enough that it just seemed strange.  I wrote an email to my midwife and told her I was kicking things, was unhappy and didn’t know what to do.  But when she came and visited me, the “happy and bright me” was out and everything seemed fine so she never really got the full story.  She thought I was “fine” because that is what I led her to believe.

When I started back to work cooking as a personal chef, this added to my stress.  I was still waking several times a night to breastfeed.  I was also not getting enough to eat because of my limited diet.  (At about 9 or 10 weeks, I cut out dairy, eggs, soy, spicy foods, gassy veggies and other foods out of my diet because Elijah was colicky.  This helped with the colic but I wasn’t getting enough to eat because I didn’t know what to eat.)

I don’t remember exactly when the first major “rage spell” happened but it was sometime within the first three months of Elijah’s life.  I don’t remember why but I started to get completely frustrated and felt very uncoordinated when I was trying to get some food out of the fridge.  I had Elijah in my arms but part of me wasn’t even aware he was there.

I started to “lose it” and for what ever reason, I took my frustration out on the vegetable crisper drawer.  I basically started kicking it and didn’t stop until it was in pieces.  (Now, if you know me personally, this may completely shocking to you.  I seem rather even-tempered, don’t you think?)

Then I ran up stairs (I think I handed Elijah off to my husband) and threw myself in the bedroom in tears.

Part of me was in shock that I could do something like that; another part of me was still steaming with rage and another part of me wanted to ball.  I usually ended up in tears after one of my “freak out” episodes, from the sheer frustration of not knowing why this was happening and feeling so out of control in my life.  I would also go back to being very depressed after one of these “manic” episodes.

These episodes would usually just come out of the blue or sometimes in the middle of the night when Elijah kept waking me up.  I would be feeling pretty okay, and then something would set me off and I suddenly found myself punching the daylights out of something close at hand.  Luckily they were all inanimate objects like the microwave, a wicker bathroom basket, a wooden dish drainer, tea boxes, and other odd items.

These fits didn’t happen every day, and although I didn’t count them, it seemed as though they happened a few times a month for most of the first year of Elijah’s life.  They got worse when Elijah was teething and waking more frequently or if I was working more than I could really handle.

I always had the feeling during these “freak outs” that I was completely out of control.  I also felt completely uncoordinated.  It was like having a new pair of hands that really didn’t belong to me that were doing all sorts of things that I really didn’t want to do but couldn’t help myself.  And I was extremely angry for no reason.  The episodes would usually end by me screaming at my husband to help me, to do something, anything.  He would be holding Elijah to keep him safe from the things I was throwing around the house.

I felt like another person watching a complete lunatic.  Yet it was me, yelling, screaming and throwing stuff, and I was at a great loss as to what to do because I felt such shame about the whole thing.

The worst part of it was how I felt I was harming Elijah by him seeing me in such distress.  I never physically took my anger and frustration out on him or my husband but I felt like I was hurting him by acting this way.

When Elijah was about 6 months, I started doing research about depression and food allergies.  I was still eating wheat (even though I knew I was allergic to it) and one day when I went over- board on eating some home made bread, I felt utterly hopeless and depressed the next day.  I finally (after years of feeling this way) made the connection and felt I had found a big piece to the puzzle.  I stopped eating wheat and also started testing other grains like oatmeal and rye.  I seemed to also react to those as well so I went gluten free.

I thought that going gluten free was the answer.  But I think I was just trying to convince myself that I was doing better.  Sleep deprivation continued and during the fall of 2008 when Elijah was almost a year old, I thought I was going to completely lose it if I didn’t get a good night’s sleep.

The problem was I couldn’t go back to sleep after Elijah woke me in the middle of the night anymore.  It seemed as though the chemicals in my brain that helped with this had been shorted out and I just couldn’t sleep normally any longer.  My chiropractor gave me some “neural transmitter support” supplements, which actually worked like a charm. I could actually sleep again. This helped me to get back on track and eventually I went off of the supplements.

Also, the freak-outs didn’t go away.  During the Christmas of 2008, I experienced more episodes where I ended up either very depressed or freaking out like a crazy monster.

We moved to a larger city the spring of 2009.  We had been living in a very small town which had made life even more difficult in terms of getting the kinds of foods I needed, etc.  Moving ended up being one of the best decisions we made during Elijah’s first couple of years.  Life became easier just because of this one change in our lives.

However, I was still looking for answers.  After we moved I had another freak episode within a month or so of moving (this time it was the microwave that took the brunt of it – luckily my husband was able to fix it).  At this point, it had been happening long enough that I finally asked for some help from a teacher/friend.  She suggested B-vitamins and eating as regularly as possible.  She also pointed out that I needed more “me time.”  All of these things, along with living in a larger city, seemed to help a lot.

Summer of 2009 was a lot better, though not perfect.  Elijah still wasn’t sleeping though the night at 18 months and I do remember having some crazy nights with him.  In general, I think I was still quick to frustrate which I would often direct towards my husband, showing up mostly as nagging and blaming.  Another thing is I had a rash on my hand which I assumed was from Candida overgrowth.

During September of 2009, I was contacted by someone who asked me if I could do menu planning for a specific diet called GAPS, which stands for Gut and Psychology Syndrome.  I checked out the diet and told her it was similar to the limited diet menu planner I had been planning on creating.

I went on vacation to the beach.  At the time I was eating gluten free, but starting to steer more towards whole grains and grain-free instead of a lot of refined gluten free starches.  But I was also still eating some sugar and plenty of starchy veggies like potatoes and sweet potatoes.

I returned from vacation and was contacted by the GAPS lady once again.  She told me that the diet was starting to help her.  She had previously not been able to eat chicken and could now eat it.  Symptoms started clearing up and she said she could actually think straight. Before, she had difficulty even carrying on a conversation with people and now she could actually focus on the conversation.  All of this intrigued me and I looked at the GAPS site again more closely.

I realized that this diet was also largely based on traditional foods like nourishing meat stocks, fermented vegetables and dairy, and whole, unadulterated real foods.  These are all things I loved so I became more and more interested in the diet.  What intrigued me the most was that the diet aims to heal the gut lining, which in turn helps to heal the mind.  (The science behind this diet is really too in-depth for me to write about here – if you’re interested in learning more about it, please read this book:   Gut and Psychology Syndrome by Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride.)

I read the testimonials and was astounded at the changes that people have experienced through implementing this diet.  I was basically sold.  I am a very believing person by nature, and since many of the symptoms my son and I had been having were described as possible symptoms on the GAPS site, I decided to give it a go.

I ordered the books and didn’t jump in right away, but within a few weeks, I was grain, sugar and starch free.  Because my son had colic, food allergies, slow weight gain, prolonged night-wakings, and at times aggressive behavior, I decided to put him on the diet at well.  I thought it would be easier if we were eating the same things anyway.  As for my husband, he slowly adjusted to eating GAPS dinners but still eats non-GAPS foods at work.  It took a while to find replacements for the things that Elijah and I love to eat but we eventually adapted.

It wasn’t overnight that I started feeling better.  I started having “die-off” reactions after eliminating starches and grains from my diet.  I was also taking coconut oil, which can also create die-off.  There were days I felt awful, like I had been hit by a truck or like I was getting the flu.  Then it would clear up in a day or so and I would feel better.  One time it lasted 3-4 days where I felt like I had every possible symptom I’ve ever had.  After it cleared, I remember feeling like an onion whose skins had been pulled away.

I slowly started feeling better more often and eating the GAPS way got easier.  I started having more energy; I started feeling happy for no reason.  I was even-tempered and was able to focus on my work in a way that had previously been impossible.  I was excited about life again.  I was inspired!  I was no longer anxious for no reason.  My digestion was slower to respond but is now better than it’s been for a long time.

My life with Elijah became much easier.  Keep in mind we started the diet a few months before his 2 year old birthday.  When I told my doctor that things were easier now that he was two, this spoke volumes to both her and to me about how the diet had started to help us.  Oh, and he started sleeping through the night consistently which was a god-send.

I simply felt a lot more patient and Elijah was more relaxed too. Instead of having struggles on a day to day basis, we started actually having peaceful days without any major events.

Even now that Elijah is 2 ½ and he has a temper tantrum about something he wants but can’t have, it is much easier for me to handle this than a year ago.  Because I am even-minded most of the time, I feel much stronger and able to deal with his tantrums.

I also notice that my emotions are much more appropriate.  Before I would fly off the handle because of something very small and my frustrations wouldn’t be very appropriate.  Now, instead of just feeling sad or frustrated for no good reason, I feel these things when it’s actually appropriate to feel them.  I also don’t get lost in the emotion like I used to and it doesn’t stick around as long.

Oh, and yes, no more crazy rageful manic episodes where I feel out of control.  The last one I had was actually after I started GAPS, but I accidentally tasted some goat’s milk.  I was going to make yogurt, and didn’t think a little bit of milk would affect me.

Within a couple hours I started feeling like my head wasn’t on straight and I started getting anal about everything.  I also felt wired like I had drank coffee and couldn’t calm myself down.  At the end of the day, Elijah dumped a dozen eggs I had cracked into a bowl onto the floor.  I looked at it and my eyes just bugged out and I thought I was going to lose it.  At least I had the ability to call my husband inside to help clean it up.  I tried to help but those crazy, uncoordinated hands returned.  I couldn’t do anything without making a mess or throwing stuff around the house so I stormed upstairs.  Lesson learned:  lactose makes Sarah nuts.  (The yogurt I make on the GAPS diet is fermented 24 hours so that the lactose is eaten up by the good bacteria.)

In general I am just happy.  I realize now this is how we are meant to feel, and it isn’t about having lots of money, having the right job, or anything else.  It’s just about being happy in this life, and then from that happiness, creating a life that reflects your heart’s desires.

I tried getting happy in so many ways throughout my teenage years and my twenties.  There is a part of me that wonders what life would have been like for me if I had gone on this diet a long time ago.  Of course I can’t dwell on the past.  But it does motivate me to share and help people who may be going through similar situations that I have been in.  In short, I can’t keep my mouth shut any longer.

If there is one thing I believe, I believe that food affects us on more levels than just physical.  It reaches into the confines of the emotional, mental as well as spiritual realms.  I am and many other people are living proof of this.  I feel as though this is now a gift that God has given me, even though for so long, I felt like it was a curse I was living.

Since I posted my last blog post, I received some feedback from a family member that I may be Bipolar or manic depressive.  I have to confess I don’t go to regular doctors very often and I’ve never been diagnosed with these disorders.  However, after doing some reading and reflecting, I do believe it’s possible I’ve been Bipolar for quite some time and didn’t know it.

To me, while diagnoses may be nice to have, it’s not vital to my recovery at this point because I found the GAPS diet.  I am very grateful for it, I can’t even begin to really express it.  It’s not easy for me to put this blog post up on my website – I stalled doing it for many months.  But like I said, I just can’t stay silent about this.  Up until less than a year ago, my symptoms affected me on so many levels of my life from the physical to the spiritual to the financial.  Now that my life has completely changed, simply from following the GAPS diet , I cannot help but share.

I know – this diet is hard to be on.  Many people can’t imagine eliminating all grains, sugars, starchy vegetables, hydrogenated oils and all canned and processed foods from their diet.

But if you can’t imagine not eating these foods, maybe for a moment you can imagine what life would be like if you were even-minded, happy, energetic, and healthy every day?

Believe me.  It’s worth it.  Life is worth it.  And above all, our children are worth it.